Tuesday, July 9, 2013
  • I don’t feel 27; though my birthday was quite lovely. Good food, and a good time spent with my wonderful parents and Mike.
  • I am getting nervous for my upcoming hospital stay, but I can’t precisely say about what. Being away from home? The tests? I just don’t know. The unknown in general
  • I need to figure out a better way to write and record music. More and more, half formed songs pop into my head, but to pull them out… I’m getting better at picking up the bass and letting them flow out, but it doesn’t feel fast enough, and often before I know it, they’re gone
  • I really need to crack down on writing about how certain parts of my life were “possible.” Living with Autism but not knowing it was a challenge, and it is a challenge now because it’s almost as though I have to look at life from a different perspective. This is not a bad thing by any means; in fact, it is a extreme relief to not feel the sense of pressure of needing to “be perfect”- because what WAS “perfect” to me all along? Neurotypical. And I had no way of knowing.
  • Mike is my best friend. It is hard, because I miss him so much and I know he misses me. I never wanted to be the damsel in distress, but I realize now that my insecurities and anxieties cast a very “be my knight in shining armor” message; I want to be his sidekick, his best friend. Because he’s mine; and I think, now that I have learned so much more about myself, Mike is really starting to see that it wasn’t about me always needing rescued, as much as it is about- no one does it alone.
Sunday, June 30, 2013

I want to use “cupid bombs” for ASD & SPD awareness & acceptance <3

Friday, June 28, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013

Thoughts:

  • Neurological eval. at U of C Hospital went well today. Really like my doctor. Have to do an inpatient stay for further evaluation. 
  • The extreme heat has a major impact upon sensory processing/integration, as well as autonomic system (my blood pressure seems much more likely to be orthostatic). And my appetite. Ugh.
  • When I was experiencing migraines as a child (4th grade) I remember one day asking my teacher if I could please sit on the floor to do my school work. She gave me a concerned look but said yes; she knew I wasn’t feeling well, and that I’d behave. At that age, I had no way of knowing how to say “I feel more stable, which makes these headaches slightly more tolerable.”
  • It felt good to hear FGM say, “you never had a true eating disorder OR alcohol problem.” 
  • Mike is beginning to understand & be more open. I love my best friend, and I want him to stay in my life as much as I want to be in his. One day at a time.
Monday, June 17, 2013

OT today:

We played a board game while straddling a suspended bench-swing; I wasn’t to put my feet down. While I maintain balance alright, the bigger issue is how fatigued and disoriented I became (probably because I was focusing on staying balanced…). Sensory overload/ sensory input not being integrated properly; this results in my sympathetic nervous system running on overdrive. I wanted to pace in circles, or spin, or bounce, or hit something… auditory and visual processing become very disrupted (visual was like watching a 3D movie without glasses, everything outlined in red and blue.

Ru (occupational therapist) wouldn’t let me, thankfully. She had me roll up in a blanket like a burrito, then applied pressure to my back with a balance ball. I was very antsy about this happening, but to my surprise, it helped. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

How it was possible: school

I have struggled with unknown obstacles my whole life; while always feeling out of place, I had no idea how to explain or communicate this difference. There was no collective name for the odd sensitivities (or lack of), social disconnect and timidness, “panic attacks”, brain squeezes and arrhythmias,  agoraphobia, UT/kidney, lung, and ear infections, back/neck pain… 

…perhaps the most challenging? Not knowing that the sensory reality I experience is much different than what the neurotypical world experiences.

Last night, I attended my first Autism support group, at my OT center. It was a bit strange, seeing as that I was the only adult there who was there for herself. The others were all parents of Autistic children, but as far as I know, I’m the only adult client at my OT center, so I was expecting this.

The parents were actually really excited, and had a lot of questions for me. Long story short, this lead to me deciding that I need to buckle down document what I learn about myself; which, thru this journal, I have been, but I feel I’ve been a bit conservative with SPD/ASD stuff  {though have done plenty of emotional processing}.

One question I’ve gotten a lot is: how was ____ possible for you?

The blank being filled in with “school” quite often. 

School was possible because I love to learn.

I was very self-motivated. My parents never had to prod me into doing my school work. I think this is part of how I was able to tolerate sensory issues and discomfort; forcing myself to focus on schoolwork kind of allowed me to retreat into my own world, and as long as the other kids left me alone, I was happy. When I wasn’t motivated by wanting to expand my knowledge banks, fear was the motivator. Bad grades were not acceptable.

I also didn’t have “outward” behavior problems; when my classmates bullied me, I reacted by shutting down. I liked to remain “as invisible as possible”; my teachers saw an extremely timid but well-behaved student, so I slid under the radar.

School was never easy, however. 

By lunchtime, I was often pushed to my edge, sensory wise. The anxiety, aches, fatigue, and nausea brought on by sensory overload and sensitivities: I assumed EVERYONE experienced it. I assumed the rest of my classmates felt the same sense of all-over illness (fatigue),  light and noise hurt, ect. I thought maybe I was being weak or lazy, but this didn’t make sense to me because I knew I wasn’t. But how was I EVER to guess that I experience world/life so much differently?

Middle school was more of the same, however, what helped was that I went to a teeny-tiny charter school; there were 16 of us in my entire 8th grade class. Even in this small learning environment, I was the disconnected loner.

High school was hell. This is when my eating issues really became intertwined with my self esteem issues, and masked the REAL issues underneath. By my junior year, I had almost no friends. I stopped going to the cafeteria at lunch (opting to hide in the media center or counselor’s office), and every time I could get out of attending an assembly, I did. I was almost totally socially disconnected. My life consisted of learning while remaining invisible at school, come home, get homework done, ballet or working out , and play video games/draw. 

College… is another ponder in itself. TBC :P

Sunday, June 9, 2013

1/4 of a year later…

I spent the first 1/6 of 2013 fighting to recover from the shock, pain, and horror I’d experienced when my world was shattered.

Read More

Friday, June 7, 2013

Jamming {bass coloring} with the pros ;)

Tuesday, June 4, 2013